Thanks a lot!

The past few days have to be the most tiresome ever in my life. Tired I was, but mentally. I guess with every new birthday celebration, you are getting nothing better apart from your birthday cake and going nowhere apart from the inevitable. Life never gets easy and it’s not as if I never knew this fact. But you have to really come up the hard way to see how vehemently it can seem to bite. But that’s the way life goes. In retrospect I can only assume that the path lying ahead is not going to be a cakewalk. In spite of the fact that we are made to toil hard so that our future can look less intimidating, we end up being caught in a web of complex desires and ambitions. An equation penned down by Him with constraints galore can prove a hard nut to crack even for the best of mathematicians. We can easily gauge the life of simpler souls.

My heart was pounding. It felt like the enemy forces are on the doorsteps to barge down the bastion. It’s hard to keep your composure when you know the outcome has more negatives to show and on offer than the ones you would like to see. The greatest programmer seems to have a mischievous trick or two up his sleeves, when he set out to program the sequential stages in a common man’s line of work. I don’t feel equal to the task to quote the holy Geeta, but I am no less fervent in my connotations. It’s the expectations even before the actual task is taken up, which tends to shoot up the anxiety quotient in all of us. Rather than focusing on what is the best we can put for a show, we delve into the subjective analysis of what might happen. It was a similar day for me, where emotions were getting better of me and the mind was refusing to give its best effort.

However, it would be quite good to make you familiar with the buildup to this situation. I am a common man with “my own” ambitions. It won’t be an understatement if I say, that most of the times my efforts don’t commensurate with what I have on my mind. But to err is human. Every time I indulge in such a slippery task, I become quite good at resolutions.
This was supposed to be my call. What else is expected of a guy having the distinction of being called an engineer (as if I am the only one!) and aspirations of a “would be” manager? But I was as clueless as any other person would be on seeing Colombia taking off from NASA space station. The accompanying mirth is surely enjoyable, partly because of the new found knowledge that what I am capable of and partly because, to some extent, I have been able to see the real meaning in the joys of the starry eyed well-wishers. Why I was not able to decide still needs to be investigated and it is no surprise as to who should take the lead in doing that. Because it’s quite pertinent to the future course of action I will be taking. Sometimes, “whys” need to overweigh “hows” and “whens”!

“Why are you planning to get relieved of your services at this awkward point of time? You know this is the peak period of our project and on such a short notice, it will be quite difficult to find a resource matching your skill set. May I know the reason?” These words were a part of the deluge that I had already expected of. But isn’t it strange to feel the heat when things go the way you had expected them to. I was expected to parry off the barrage of questions nonchalantly, but that was far from the case as I sat down still making up a plausible enough reason in my mind to make it sound as authentic as the sunrise in the east. I knew I had to hold fort as a slip here could make things head the wrong way and that would be much to my dismay.

“Hmm..I have decided to pursue my higher studies. I got to know about the result this Saturday and hence had no time to inform you in advance. I know I have put you in a seemingly strange situation, but I hope it’s not that difficult either.”

Whatever happened after that doesn’t really command any space to be shared with. It’s anybody’s guess what happens when two guys with a plan on their mind sit to discuss. Do you expect any freebies to be exchanged? The only thing transpiring out of such a situation can be “deadlock”. And that is what precisely happened!

I have total confidence in Him and whatever he does, he does for a purpose. Still in the wilderness of things associated with my workplace, I suddenly started to have a feeling of claustrophobia. The place where I reside can’t be a reason for that (I myself decided upon it and still have to shell a good amount out of my pocket to keep it secured. I couldn’t find better ways to drill holes into my pocket). The cluster of ideas and suggestions were starting to have a strong influence on my decision making ability. It was akin to a flickering candle flame which always goes with the wind. But the winds blowing in my case were far too many.

I still remember my Uncle narrating me a story of Socrates lying on his death bed and one of his disciples coming to him seeking the ultimate truth. Socrates, bereft of the ability to speak by that time, only managed to open his mouth and show him the wilting tongue. For a normal person like me, that act could have escalated to the thoughts of being rude, but not so for his disciple. It meant that the strongest of teeth have not managed to keep up to their survival whereas the tongue, being a very tender part of our body, still continues to fight for its survival. The story was simple with the expected message too conspicuous and obvious. You have to be very flexible and gentle like the tongue to survive. Everybody knows the fate of teeth.

Those feelings reverberated inside me every now and then, just for the act of consoling that whatever stance I am taking now is in the best interests of my career. But that was only a consoling act, far from the truth. Deep inside me I knew that I am struggling to find answers to obvious questions. Isn’t it strange to discover that of only few things to achieve in our lives( I told you I am a common man. "Sky is the limit", I hope doesn't apply to me), we struggle to make a good way out of it? I don’t know about others, but at that point of time I was certainly on the downhill.

Now I am at peace. Not because what I always wanted to achieve has been achieved, but because I don’t see anything nebulous right now. I am happy because I have been able to make a choice that was anyways,the least expected of me. And did I forget to mention who was behind me all this time?

Here I am sitting on my armchair writing this stuff. I am going nowhere until I take the final call.